Programming Notes and a Ode to the Worst Drivers in the U.S.

As of Tuesday, Francine has moved from the Slow Lane, to no lane for a couple of days.  You see, we are comfortably ensconced in the home of some wonderful friends of ours in the western suburbs of Chicago.  This is a bit of an unplanned stop, as our dear friend and companion of nearly 13 years, Zoe Hilda Hake (Zoe the Dog), is under the weather.  In fact, she is in the hospital for a couple of days with pancreatitis.  Fortunately, it appears that she is going to be fine.  More on this in an upcoming post.

We have also been experiencing some technical difficulties, which has slowed the rate of the posts to the blog.  This is directly related to one factor.  Many of the campgrounds we stay at offer "Free WiFi" as a selling point.  First, let me say that I have never understood what WiFi means.  I know, I know, it is a popular slang name for wireless internet service.  But, let's dig a bit deeper.  The "Wi" part obviously stands for wireless and the "Fi" part no doubt stands for fidelity.  An ode to the days of "High Fidelity" stereos and such.  But, what does fidelity mean?  According to Mr. Webster, in the context of electronics, fidelity means: "the degree to which an electronic device (as a record player, radio, or television) accurately reproduces its effect (as sound or picture)."

If we apply that to Wireless Internet, this means WiFi is wireless internet which accurately reproduces the input it receives.  In other words, it would be wireless internet that accurately inputs and outputs the data in receives from the attached computers.  As you might have guessed from this mind numbing aside that you are asking yourself why you read it, this is not what we have been experiencing on the road recently.  Rather, we have had WiLoToNoFi, or what we would also describe as: you might get signal if you are in the right spot, at the right time, with the right equipment, the right weather, the right attitude, no one else on the system, the planets are aligned in an auspicious manner according to your birth sign and you stand on your head wireless.  This type of wireless = fewer posts.  Also, our pictures are currently on the laptop, which is not connected to the internet here, so we will get caught up with some pictures soon.

But, here we are and now that you have suffered through that random stream of consciousness, let me do this.  I would like to pay homage to the worst drivers in the United States of America.  This homage goes a little something like this:

"Dear citizens of Chicago and those limited areas of northern Indiana surrounding Gary, Indiana.  I pay homage to you because you have earned a dubious honor from The Slow Lane.  You are, without hyperbole, the worst drivers in the entire United States of America.  You are rude, discourteous, unsafe, and unhappy.  You are all Mike Ditka losing in the 4th quarter mad.  You tailgate.  You swerve.  You change lanes with no signal and cut people off at outrageous speeds.  You pass on the right.  In short, you need to go home, order a title from Miss Manners and brush up.

Please understand that this award is well researched.  We have driven nearly 7,000 miles in the last 10 weeks.  We have been through Denver, Santa Fe, Dallas Ft. Worth, Shreveport, Nashville, Charleston, Dayton Ohio.  We have also visited many other places throughout our lives, including foreign countries. While you may not rival a taxi driver in Beijing at rush hour (trust me, I have been in one, you aren't THAT scary), you are really, really bad.

I shall illustrate your distinguished award with a couple of examples.  On our way in to the city, I pulled out onto a dived highway by turning left, into the left hand lane, which my fuzzy drivers education memory indicates is the correct procedure.  Then, I looked to move immediately into the slower right lane (which is where this whole journey takes place).  Since there was a car coming up in the right lane, I waited to move in behind.  Big mistake.  During the time I waited, 7 cars moved over into the right lane to try to pass me, thus prohibiting me from moving over.  Three of them succeeded before the right lane leader slowed.  The third one raced through a gap that was maybe 5% larger than his big fat Cadillac and then had the nerve to wave towards the right lane and flick me off, indicating his displeasure with my occupancy of the fast lane.  Well, Mr. Jackass, had you not been trying to shoehorn your big pig around me in the right lane, I might have moved over for you sooner.

A second example for your award, you horrible Cook County Couriers.  Yesterday, I was sitting at a stoplight (without Francine).  This particular light has a dedicated left turn lane, while the right lane is reserved for those going straight or turning right.  I was going straight, thus I was in the right lane, which I would again surmise was the right place for me.  The person behind me wished to turn right.  Immediately.  Be damned the fact that the light was red.  I pulled up as far as I could without entering cross traffic, but alas, there was not enough room for her to get by to turn right on red.  Given this indignity, she did what all you Chicago land drivers apparently do.  She started honking at me.  Why?  Well, apparently because I had the nerve to go straight in the straight lane, thus impeding her ability to turn right for at least 15-30 seconds.  

These two small examples are mere illustrations of what I have seen in the last few days.  These kind of things happen every day, everywhere.  I even witnessed a guy rear end another guy yesterday.  The victim was stopped in the left lane, trying to turn left.  It appeared that he too was getting berated by the fellow who hit him.  As in: "what were you thinking trying to turn left from the left lane when the traffic is busy.  I am not going to actually stop moving for that!"

So you Chicago drivers.  Enjoy your award.  You are truly awful drivers.  Now I am sure that you will probably take this award with pride (since I am sure SOOOOO many of you are reading).  Much like you Cubs fans pride yourself on your teams century old ineptitude.  If so, it will only reaffirm what is written here.  Enjoy your award!"

With that out of the way, we will move on.  Oh, and should you Chicago area folks come west with those driving skills, be forewarned.  Most states in the western U.S. have concealed carry handgun laws, just to let you know. . .